Don't Do It Girl, It's Not Worth It

I did it, I already did it.

First I want to apologize for being gone for a month again. The pool in the area was closed for cleaning and I just couldn't find a suitable place to practice in the mean-time, nor the energy to come up with content to write about otherwise.

Now that, that's out of the way, happy Mer-May everyone! I hope to not a miss a week of updating this blog for the entire month. I have also committed to uploading content to my TikTok mermaid account all month long as well, so hello if you're coming from TikTok and had just seen my heartfelt video with me writing this out.

In life there will always be people who think what you're doing is a waste of time or energy, there will always be obstacles to over come but we have to overcome them in order to move forward. Today has been a real kick in the gut sort of day so instead of finishing the art piece as planned for TikTok, they're getting a longer story time cause that's honestly easier on me to film.

So what's been happening? Well not a lot, my breath holds are about the same as before my month break. Which, while not progress we have to remember it's not regress either and I'd rather take things slow and be safe than fast and risky.

I guess the thing that's on my mind the most right now is what's got me down and bothered. Honestly, I can't say 100% sure what everything is that's bothering me. I have anxiety and my doctor has wondered if I have CPTSD as well, which I wouldn't be shocked about and I just has a really bad trigger today.

Over all I've felt pretty run down and anxious lately for unknown reasons. I just feel like so much is expected of me from my family, friends and myself and I can't live up to it all. I can't even meet my own expectations so how could I meet other's? But the real trigger today was honestly one of the other tenants in the building I live in.

He's come to my door more than once to complain about how I recycle items but... ok maybe I'm getting a little bit ahead of myself? Where to start to make this understandable?

Brief childhood explanation, I had to deal with a lot of passive aggressive behaviour from my mom and I got used to just getting out of the house or avoiding her whenever she got in one of those moods. Constantly monitoring someone else's behaviour though is really hard and taxing, but I did a lot of that until I moved out when I was 25.

However that doesn't mean that was the last I dealt with this issue, first work place I had in my new city had a lot of that from the owner and I wasn't about to deal with it. I left fairly quickly and got a new job but my school and classmates could be pretty bad too. I just wanted to learn make-up and I wasn't in for picking sides, there was no winning doing that at all.

It caused a lot of stress and eventually lead to me losing 2 otherwise good friends cause I just wasn't going to tolerate it. Then I had an office job, the politics there.... were bad to say the least and that's all I'll really say on that matter. Trust me, I'd say a lot more if I could. You just have to know, it was bad and that must have been the straw that broke my back. Cause right before COVID hit, I was put on a medical stress leave.

Blessing in disguise this COVID really. I'm still on disability although I do work from home part time.

Needless to say I don't handle stress well and passive aggressive behaviour is really bad trigger for me. Which does lead me back to today and my recycling. I seriously thought if I just handled it on my own that would be fine, no one had to care or be bothered by it but apparently not.

First I'll say I find it easy to put all my paper recycling in a box and once the box is full take it outside. 9/10 they will grab and throw the whole box in, not problem and one time they don't and leave it out, I just bring it back inside and either reuse it or flatten it into my new larger box for the next round. I have never had an issue previously in any place I've lived out here but I guess here it's an issue? But not a issue from the city, just the tenant above me is mad and upset about it for some reason. It could be that maybe the landlord is getting after him about a box being left out, but he doesn't tell me that and it's not my bloody job to guess that either.

So really I don't know what the real issue even is if I'm honest. I wish I knew, I don't know why he seems to hate me and I don't get why people can't just say what the root of the issue actually is. Worst of all once he actually stated it was an issue of the city not picking up the box he just angrily walks away, I can't say anything, I can't express how I didn't know or anything. Just, that's that and I'm left with the impression he thinks this is obvious and I'm stupid for thinking otherwise. Maybe I am... I don't know.

All I do know is I sat in the bathroom for close to an hour after this altercation just crying and having a panic attack. It's moments like this that always make me feel like it doesn't matter how hard I'm trying, it's not good enough.

It is.... it is good enough, just know that. If you ever feel like this, just know that it's good enough, you're good enough.

The one piece of good news I have is that picture at the top, it's my new monofin. I got it second hand from a mermaid in my city who said she's actually only used it maybe twice. I just have the struggle of where to store it now, lol. It currently either hangs out in my tub drying or on top of my clothing rack. I've used it a few times and I love it so much. I have a storage solution in mind for it but I just need to get rid of a vanity desk in order to make room for the shelving.

I think for now I'm going to close this one off here. I know I usually leave you with a message from my mermaid oracle deck or cards but I think this time I'll close it out with some quotes that came to me this morning and honestly really ring true for helping me through today.

"If you have an idea, that you genuinely think is good, don't let some idiot talk you out of it." ~ Stan Lee on the creation of Spider-Man

"It'll be alright in the end, and if it's not alright, it's not the end." ~ 2-D from Gorillaz

"They can take your world; they can take your heart, cut you loose from all that you know. But if it's your fate... then every step forward will always be a step closer to home." ~ Sora KH3